Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
