I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
