Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
