who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
