Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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