her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
