I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
