im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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