I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I AM VODKA MAN
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
