something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
