Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
