I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
