our cab driver is having phone sex.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
