we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
