i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
