He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
