My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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