Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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