If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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