he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
