If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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