final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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