Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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