I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
