He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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