Umm I'm too high to move.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Michael Bay diarrhea
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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