Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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