Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
