saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
