you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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