Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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