The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
