dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
