Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
