you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
