You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
