just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
