i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
