What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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