i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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