Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm like, not good at living.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
