The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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