oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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