Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
