Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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