Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
