Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
