Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
