You're completely useless in the revolution.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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