dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
