I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
