The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize
