he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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