I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
