4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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