I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
